torn

I am torn. I love these boys I really do. We never intended to do straight foster care. Only foster to adopt. But we took these boys in. I knew when takng them in that adoption was probably not on the horizon. Part of me feels that it was destiny that they came here. I was meant to help them (yeah corny work with me here).
BUT a part of me...that same part of me that browses available childrens listings... want to adopt and not have the uncertainty of fostering. Maybe that is just it? The uncertainty that is killing me? It has been a few days short of a month. The only thing I hear about the case is how uncooperative the parents are and how spun up she gets the kids during the very short visits. I know nothing else. Will they be here for the summer? Will they start school here? Will I be celebrating all of their birthdays here? UGH!
OK I am off to sleep