I dislike the fact

that I am a worry wort. I dislike sitting here worrying about things that I either have no control over or I am not even sure will BE happening. UGH!
I should wear a scarlett A for ANXIETY lol

Gasp

After complaing about money I am going to ohhh and ahh over my recent purchase. I got a mink stripe body pillow at Costco. I went in for dog food and veggies, came out with a pillow too haha OMG!!!!!!!!! This thing is so comfortable. My old pillow is about 4-5 years old so it was time for a replacement. So I dusted off the wallet and spent a whopping $14 on my new pillow :p
It is so soft you just want to cuddle up with it all day long :)

THANK YOU!!

I had to go to doctor appointment today. That was OK not a huge deal. As I come in with three of my kids the nurse asks my age. When I say "32" she looks at me and says "You look much younger than that" Oh for me feeling so haggard lately and feeling old that comment made my day. I could have kissed her! Then again had I done that I am not sure they would want me back in that dr's office EVER again haha

Well I got a response

I am DIRECTLY quoting the first word "D'oh!"
I will be getting paid. I am not kidding when I say they are A LOT behind. But the kicker? It will still be about 2 weeks

She MAY be doing it

Mom has given CLEAN UA's and has a doctors note for missing all of the ones she did!! Next week she gets to visit with Bear! Holy Moly! She is on the right track. Cross your fingers she does it this time. I would be really proud of her if she did.

Sounding like a hypocryte

I do not foster for the money. I REALLY don't. If I wanted to be a paid babysitter I would make MUCH more owning my own in home daycare again.
That being said. I have not seen a cent for Bear. If it weren't for WIC paying for the bulk of his formula we would be in BIG trouble. He came with NOTHING, so we have had to get everything. I got my invoice for this month. My other son is on it but Bear isn't. So I finally called the worker and said hey...yeah I have no money for Bear could you look into this?
So let's see how long this takes to get solved. So I can say after dealing with 2 different offices. One works hard to make sure foster parents get any and all money they are due, this other one appears to take their time. The other office I got paid EOM when the kids were only here 2 weeks. Bear has been here umm 5 weeks? Almost 6 and I have not even seen proof of what we will be paid.

Last

Well ...... yawn...... we were the last case in the morning, So I was sitting in rock hard seats from 8-1230. The time for Bears case came along. It lasted 2 minutes. NO I am not kidding 2 WHOLE minutes. No neither of his bio parents made it to court. I was able to get child care for FOUR children and drag my butt into court bright and early but THEY couldn't make it. It is hard for me. I want to be so angry at these "parents". I want to find them and yell at them or flick them in the forehead or something. Bio mom did manage to contact her atty. So that is on the record she made that attempt. But do you know how many cases I sat through. Would you like to know the aveage of parents who DID show? 1 in 5. In gerneral I was angry today. I cannot understand people and their attitudes toward their children.
I did not get to speak today. I was not asked for any input. BUT my written statement was entered into the record. I am glad I wrote a statement otherwise I would have been voiceless. As would Bear......
Next month I have to go bac. SAME hearing over again but since biomom made the call we go through it again.
Possibly another Case in Oct if they want a fact finding case. But let's put it the way the wokrer did. If there is ANY chance that the fact finding mission will yield ANY truth to the charges chances are the bio parents will not want to pursue that trial. The fact is the evidence against the bios is so strong they will NOT want that on the record. So they will agree to the dependency hearing and "work their case plan". I however, the ONLY advocate in the begining, I doubt they will. They have made NO effort thus far why think they will do anything they are supposed to? But I encourge them to prove me wrong

Court tomorrow

Well I have to go to court in the morning for Bear. I am nervous. I am also wondering a few things. First, how long will I have to sit around the court room? I really hope we are first on the docket. Second, Since 'Mom' and 'Dad' have shown no interest in seeing him will they even show up to court? Third I hope my written statement goes over well. I technically do not have to show up at all since I submted my offical wrtten statement (and my log notes and a couple pages of pictures) to the court. But as Baggage mentioned even though do not have to be there showing up and having it in the records I appeared will look favorably on my side of the table, especially if we go to adoption. So I put on a skirt (EWWWWW) and sit my arse in the courtroom.

My little Liam has been a trying handful lately. I am just a bundle of nerves. So his grandpa saying he got the time off and would like to take him on that fishing trip could not have come at a better time!How terrible is that of a Mom to say?!?!?!
It is just HARD to parent spirited children or children with more issues than the average child. I hope this time out camping with Grandpa will be a stress reliever for us all.

I may be reinacting

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Well at least a scene. I went to our local fruit stand and bought a flat of blueberries and a flat of raspberries. That is almost all that I have eaten today. I may turn into a blueberry yet!

Bear

decided 2:30am would be a great time to complain and all about how small his co-sleeper is. Flailing around and hitting the sides. Sort of to say "Hey Mom?? Yeah I got HUGE!!" So I finally placed him in the crib about 30 minutes ago. So far not a peep. Yeah knock on wood.
But am I sleeping? Nope I am sitting here worried about him... he is in the next room!!! I need some serious help or something haha

I said no

We have unofficially 'closed our doors' to new placements. Not because we don't WANT more children but because we are one short of capacity now and we are not sure where things are going with Baby and all. On a side note Baby needs a nickname. We call him bear so I will call him Bear here as well :) There is another factor as well. Not to mention dh is out for awhile and well I don't want to take on too much. BUT all of that being said I FEEL GUILTY. I said no to our placement coordinator today. No to a little 4 year old, little boy of course.
Now the darn guilt is eating at me. I logically know we are not the ONLY foster home in the county but I still feel the need to take in all I can and help all I can. Le Sigh

Why is it

When you need to talk to someone close to you they aren't available? My husband is on the big grey beast somewhere on the water. My mom would be NO help. My MIL was asleep HOURS ago and if I call this late it better be life or death (which this isn't).
And darn Baggage must be sleeping too. Le Sigh.
So I have an email to DH and one to Baggage any money bets on who replys first??
OK I am going to try to go to sleep.

I have realized I am crazy

And maybe a bit...comfortably numb lol. Not only do I welcome a housefull of children and ALL of their laundry but I have TWO babies (well one baby one toddler)in cloth diapers. You know I have lost track of how much laundry I do. Or maybe I have blocked it out for sanity's sake?? haha

On another note. I put together the crib in the EMPTY bedroom, well full of dressers beds and now a crib but you get my point haha. Yes empty! And still empty. It is amazing. I will be putting him into the crib at nap times and maybe slowly transitioning him into the crib at night time???? Well within a couple of months at least.

snore....

So baby is asleep Miniman is sleeping after his crash from a sugar high (brothers birthday cake). DH stod the midnight to 8 am watch and slept only a couple of hours yesterday then came hme to the Grandpa meeting and dinner and cake. He is out cold too. The other two boys are downstairs on a videogame marathon ;) Wow... Maybe I should sleep too or something?/

I forgot today I lost a dang crown!! Same one that had come off several times befor. This time the post BROKE so yeah the crown is NOT going back on. I am at the verge of having the dentist pull the post :( It HURTS and it is now beyond repair and to be honest I cannot afford an implant or another bridge.

Whew

The meeting with Grandpa went REALLY well. We talked for hours. Did some typical visit get to know each other stuff. He told us he thinks we are "real people" and that Liam is a great fit here. He wanted to know when we will be adopting him and is completely supportive of us changin his name. He said he couldn't understand why in the world his biomom named him what she did. Baggage can attest to how flippin off the wall his birth name is.
Grandpa says he is happy and Will continue visitationin anyway WE feel is OK. LOAD off our mind trust me.
We learned Mom is on the other side of the country. She is currently clean but there is a reason, she is pregnant again. Yeah Grandpa says that it will end the same way. She ONLY got clean because she got pregnantand is leading the SAME life as before. Another child.... well I cannot tell you how upset that makes me. But this is another rant all together. Had she been in the area though I would have offered to take the baby too if needed. But being accross the country that won't happen I am sure....
So all is done with that first meeting WHEW

Maybe it feels just too right.

So I am sitting here tonight. My oldest son is in CA visiting his biodad for the summer. DH took our 8 y/o (who will be 9 Sunday!!!) and our 5 y/o to see the new Harry Potter movie. There was no way I could have went with the two year old and infant! So DH is out doing the daddy thing with the boys. They even ate junk food for dinner :) So here I sit in my huge room I have a two year old who likes to sleep lengthwise accross the bed, Nothing like knees in the kidneys. Baby is in his co-sleeper all swaddled and contently sleeping. My three dogs are in their respectiv posts. My dog is at my bedside. The one German Shepherd is guarding the door and stairs. No one will get past him. The other shepherd? Well he is playing the roll of electric blanket on our 5 y/o bed ;)
It gives me time to reflect how darn RIGHT things feel right now. Liam is testing boundaries. I honestly think he is waiting on me to say I am tired of him and send him packing. Nope we love the little guy and his phase he is going through right now.
Baby well he lights up your world :) A smile that just warms your heart.
It all feels right. Our family seems almost dare I say, perfect! Baby is into a routine. The two year old has mellowed a bit on his terrible pass me a valium twos. The 5 and 8 y/o play A LOT together and get along really well.
Ahhhh summertime bliss.

Chippendales in his future

My two year old is a little nudist. He likes to streak... let the 'boys' hang in the breeze etc.. You get the point. NORMALLY this display of his stripping skills is kept at home. Until today that is. We were in the Store. He was in the cart part of the cart... not the seat (rare occurance really) He stands up and starts singing...his OTHER favorite pasttime. The song? "We are the champions" by Queen (he sings it pretty well for two years old). anyway imagine this little boy singing we are the champions and starting to take off his diaper and shorts. Oh man! This little one keeps me on my toes!

More firsts & stuff

Well today Baby rolled over!! It was one of those "Wait a minute did he just do that?" things. Put him back on his tummy and sure enough he rolled again :)
First his first tooth now rolling over. He will be crawling next I swear.

Kudos
A two thumbs up to our doctor. I found out she neglected to note Baby's Mongolian spots. I do NOT want to be falsely accused of bruising the baby I made a point to ask the doctor to note them. Because they do resemble bruises (on Baby they are dark brown spots). Anyway I found out during a meeting about the state of Baby's case that it was not included in the well child check. I called immediately after and left a message for the doctor. that was yesterday. By this morning the CHET screener had a new copy of the well child waiting for her on her fax machine ;) She said it was the fastest she had seen haha

I got my new cell phone today! I know "so what??" but mine was so outdated I might as well have been carrying one of those HUGE phones from the late 80's haha

I got a voucher to get Baby some clothes since he came with nothing. $100. But I stretched that $100 until it screamed.

Higher standard

OK let me start by saying we really love all kinds of different cultures. We explore different cultures every opportunity we get I love testing out new foods (shhhhh hehe). That being said there is nothing like being told you have to do things for a child culturally when you KNOW their own bio parents don't do anything to enhance/nuture their culture. If I had this child on my own with a person of a different ethnicity/culture not one person require I expose this child to his or her culture from the fathers side. Like I said I do not mind doing it I am actually looking forward to it. It's not just a job it's an adventure hehehe It is just the inequality of requirements that makes me scratch my head.

OW!!!

Well Guess what? Baby who is a whopping 4 months old cut his first tooth!!
We have court later this month too about him so wish us luck :)

WOW

OK I went and picked up HALF Of Liams belongings. there were six med/lg boxes and a bag! That is on top of the clothes he came with. He is in seventh heaven to have all of his things again.
He keeps asking which of the kids are adopted? Is Baby adopted? Do you want to adopt him? Is my other little brother (our 2y/o) are my big brothers?
He has had a hard time grasping that I am birth mom to 3 of them. He has a hard time understanding NOT all parents loose their kids. He thought all Moms and Dads "gave" their kids to "the office". I explained only some Moms and dad's need time to get things safe in their lives. He then said he birth mom and dad would soon have a safe place. Have you ever tried to explain to a 5 y/o that "hey sorry kid, your birth parents screwed the pooch and are never getting you back and lost their parental rights"? Finding the right words is HARD. I explained the best I could and then stated two positives. One he has a really cool grandpa he can talk to whenever he wants and two when he turns 18 he can find his birth mom and dad and ask them anything he wants. That seemed to make him feel much better.
I think I need to be looking into books to explain adoption to kids too!

Oddities when it comes to dates......

When I met DH I thought it was funny that he has the same birthday as my brother. It was funnier when I found out I shared a birthday with his Mom and Aunt. Then outrageous when we learned our exes also shared a birthday. Hillarious when the dog I got DH also has my birthday.....Total accident honest!
Now I have had the feeling that Liam's birthday seemed very familiar. Well I figured it out. He was born on the exact due date of the baby I lost when I was 13 weeks pregnant. And Baby? Well he was born on the due date of my youngest though a different year of course ;)
Odd no?

Well I made the first step

I looked up Babys tribe online and placed a call. I am not sure how far it will get though. The CW said I was welcome to contact the tribe. I almost feel like it is a test. On of those "Let's see if she makes an effort" things. I emailed the CW Sat (I know she won't get it until Monday) to ask if there was a POC for the tribe I should have. The CW liked the notes I kept on Baby. She said she rarely gets things like that and she was impressed. All it is is notes about things that happen, I observe and any milestones that are reached.
Now I am sad for Baby too. I know he is in a home where TRUST me he is loved and well taken care of. But when parents do not even ask about their child or request the visits they are entitled to in 3 weeks...... Well that would break anyones heart. makes me angry too.
the question of the hour.... Will we be the adoptive placement for Baby? The CW made a comment she is glad we have an approved home study and that she hopes this is all wrapped up before it expires. What does that imply to you? Yeah me too.
So I will do my best to comply with everything and still keep notes and make court dates. Also I am doing my best to meet Babys cultural needs. Maybe the tribe will also look favorably on that?? Who knows. I have been reading up on ICWA and I am not any more clear than when I began.

OKie Dokie WTheck is going to happen?

I have Baby who is now 4 months old. Trying not to divulge any personal info. this is not his bioparents first dealing with not having kids with them. One child was to be adopted by a family member. That child was taken by the tribe to another family in another state. That case was in that other state while the family member (who WAS going to adopt)lives just around the corner from me. Baby's case is being handled by the state we are in..... confused yet? The SW called today and said "so you are his foster-adopt placement right?" Ummmmmmm I replied "oh we would LOVE to adopt him he is a wonderful baby, but last we were told the goal was RU". I got the impression from the answer that it does not look like it will go that way??

So at this point I guess we are identified as his possible adoptive placement?? But if the tribe gets involved and wants to take it over we could lose him.
Ugh major suckage. I know that he has the entire family wrapped around his chubby little finger. My DH and boys would JUMP at the chance to welcome him as a permanant part of our lives. I go in tomorrow to DCFS to meet with his social worker and have some screenings done.Maybe I will have more answers then? wish us luck.


Liams grandpa will be here next weekend! He is coming for our little mans birthday dinner. It will be nice to meet him. He did say that if we were uneasy with his communication with Liam to assure Liam did not get bounced around any more he would step out of the picture if that is what we wanted. I assured him we were happy he was there for Liam and we welcome him into our family. He did also state that his daughter (Liams bio mom) asks about Liam but he hasn't told her anything other than he is fine and will not say any more unless we want him to. So now we are at a point where we have to talk about that too. UGH. I am all for open adoptions honest. Having some sort of contact with her and us NOT with Liam would help all involved. But she is NOT someone I want in his life. When he is 18 that is up to Liam But at 5 he does not heed that inconsistancy and the drama some lifestyles bring.
Grandpa loves the pitures I send too. So my photography bug does not intimidate him haha

But Mom I want to!!

Liam: "it is not fair that I can't do the fireworks"
Me: "But Liam you are not old enough to use a lighter. But isn't it fun to watch them?"
Liam "then why even have a 4th of July?"
Me: "Because we are celebrating our independence as a country"
Liam: "what is independence?"
Me: "That is doing things on your own"
Liam: "oh you mean like LIGHTING FIREWORKS?!?!?!?!" as he stomps off

Yes the typical 5 year old wanting to be a big boy and do things that big boys do. My 12 y/o is not allowed to light fireworks. But of course in Liam's mind we are just being mean to him.

Tomorrow My husband has to go to DCFS and pick up 6 boxes of Liams belongings. Holy Moly! I have him doing it because to be honest not sure everything will fit in my van and heck the office is about 3 miles from his work and on his way home. Win win.
Liams counselor comes tomorrow as well.

Legally Free

In terms of adpotion I thought that that term would give me piece of mind. we took Liam in knowing he was legally free for adption. Parental rights had been termnated etc. First the mystery family member came forward then they stepped back. Then biodad comes forward!!! \his rights have been terminated. So you think that too bad so sad right? Well he has threatened to appeal. Not that he has a legal nor clean and sober leg to stand on. But you have got to be kidding me?!?!?!?!?! Now the fact that he MAY have some Native American in him has popped back up. So again they have to do that geneological search into tribal records. Once the paperwork is submitted by his case worker we have 60 days to sit and worry while the tribe has the opportunity to respond. Chances are they will not take an interest in his case should he even be found to have a tribal affiliaton. But the chance is there.
UGH UGH and triple UGH

My Little Liam

We have been discussing adoption and all....a lot. He HATES his birth name. If you knew it you would not blame the poor kid trust me. When I have to spell out his name to a dr or school or whatever, He says "My name is Liam". So we discussed changing his name when he is adopted. He was VERY excited. We talked about names and all of our names and how they all meant something or we were named after someone. We talked about changing his middle name and actually giving him two middle names (a sort of tradition we have). We think we know exactly what the name will be! He said he loves it. He has been practicing it all night and also is very proud his name will be after someone. He said he likes our last name too that it is easy but "I have to get used to being that name".

I forgot to update about his counselor. She came she did ask what we wanted out of conseling. My main goal is to make sure he deals with any grief and loss and that the adjustment goes well. She said she will do all she can with him but she is not used to a child being so well adjusted! HAHA can you belive that. She said she is usually tasked children with a lot more issues. This coming week Liam will be doing some art therapy ans opefully be able to get some of his feelings to the surface. Good news is I am not footing the bill huh? No seriously he had an OK time talking to her and he said next week should be "fun".

I am terrible

After gettingg everyone ready and sternly saying if you all do not have everything they wanted to take with them..... too bad. Once I locked the door that was it we were not going back for anything. Well Make it down the road 15 minutes and I realize I forgot my camera!!! Of corse my husband forgot the baby's formula too. While I could justify stopping to buy a can of formula I couldn't justify a new camera ;p
We made it down to the aquarium and come to find out though Liam has lived his whole life in this area he has never been to downtown Seattle and never been to the aquarium. First let me say that I am VERY happy that we bought the year passes to the zoo and aquarium with our group of seven today the aquarium pass has paid for iself already :)
We had a blast. Our two year old though was done with the touch pool after touching the first squishy underwater creature haha. The baby loved all of the lights and moving fish. He was comfy and content being carried in the sling for the most of the time.
We also went to Pike Place Market. I LOVE that place. I love the artsy feel of the downtown area all of the sights and the smells,, everything from the fresh cut flowers to the fresh baked goods. We OF COURSE stopped by my favorite Greek place and stood in line to even get to the window to order. Liam whined "I don't know why we are waiting so long for Greek foods" then after his first bite "oooooh this is goooood" I made a stop at Piroshky Piroshky Flaky buttery heaven I tell you!!
NowI am home and working on cleaning my room (I cannot be a hypocrite you know) and doin laundry. So much for a life of a tourist. Back to the grind.